No Vacancy

These days I am always at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say except that my thoughts are driven by the sad, drivel that is jealousy. But it can’t possibly be jealousy. Can it?

I mean, the more I try to say something, the more it feels like I’m pushing him away and that’s definitely not something I want to happen. The more I try, the more it feels like I’m digging more and more trenches to fill in the spaces and the gaps between us. There are no safe havens and I feel like I’m at war with myself.

I don’t know what I want. I feel so fucking Bipolar. What I feel varies on a day to day basis and I can’t seem to control my emotions. One minute, I’m perfectly fine and cool about something and I really don’t mind, and the next minute I’m left alone with my thoughts and I  lash out at him for no reason and I make up really pathetic and lame reasons as I go along the way.

What am I really mad about?

I’m mad that he has friends. I mean, not in that way. But I’m mad that he’s with his friends having the time of his life when I can’t even do that with him. I’m mad that the distance separates us. I’m mad that things aren’t the way they were and aren’t the way they should be. I’m mad that things are changing so fast and I lose tract of what’s going on. I’m mad that I’m always mad all the time and I don’t understand what I feel and what I’m going through. I’m mad that when I walk around school by myself, he’s not by my side. I’m mad that no one holds my hand and that everyday gets harder and harder. I’m mad at the thought that I’m pushing him away by being this psycho bitch person I know I’m not and I’m quickly becoming because I have no one to talk to about it. I’m mad that because I’m a psycho bitch person, he might find someone else, someone nice who is working with him and has the same interests as him and who doesn’t pick random fights with him because she’s a psycho bitch person. I’m mad that there’s always so much time yet at the same time there is always so little time. I’m mad that it feels like I’m losing him and I’m mad that I’m losing him not because he’s falling for someone else but because I keep pushing him away and he isn’t doing anything wrong and he doesn’t understand. I’m mad that he’s adjusting to this faster and easier than I am and I don’t see the struggle but only acceptance of the situation, and it makes me mad that this is all so easy for him.

I’ve been mad at a lot of things these past few days. I don’t know where to put myself or what to do about it. Nearly every time I spend with him, there is always some form of drama in me that is waiting to burst and I can’t control it and I can’t control myself and when I let it out, I regret it instantly but the damage is done. And the times I don’t spend with him, I end up using thinking about him and all the evil thoughts that go through my head that intermingle with the happy ones and every single thing gets corrupted and I don’t know what to think so my mind plays games and I begin to lash out at him.

I know. I’m sick. I have very destructive tendencies and I always find ways to mess things up. I don’t think he deserves someone like me. I think he needs someone who’s as nice as he is. I keep telling myself things will be okay. I keep trying to think positively because there is nothing else but I can’t even do that. I keep thinking worse case scenario and I panic and I twiddle with my fingers and watch the clock waiting to hear from him, and when I finally do, we end up fighting again. And I feel terrible he always has to go through with my bullshit and my drama and all the hang-ups that come with me and my life.

All I know for sure, is that I have spent this whole month locked up in the school bathroom crying myself out til I’m tired and I don’t have to feel anything anymore. When I reach my threshold and I’m tired, I don’t have to bother myself with feelings. All I know for sure, is that I want to curl up into a ball and spend the whole day in bed alternating between crying and sleeping. Just crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping for days and days until I’ve exhausted myself and this passes.

I know I love him. I really do. That part is unquestionable. but it feels like I can’t trust myself enough to be able to handle these things. I sit here and I type word after word and my heart feels like it’s breaking and all I want to do is cry myself to sleep. I want to forget and not feel because feeling hurts.

I keep holding my breath. Waiting for the end to come. And it doesn’t and a breathe a sigh of relief and then I dread the next moment the end might come, and the next and the next.

I am a very difficult person to love.

I don’t even deserve it.

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