CAUSE GOD IT JUST FEELS SO GOOD

I remember a time before yours. Surely there was a time before you.

I had a life before I met you.

There was a time where I had music and poetry; when the rich, ripe lilt of the staccato of words entranced me and seduced me like the sweet call of the devil to sin. There was a time when I could flip my hair and air guitar to Nirvana, Kataklysm or even Lamb of God, grinding to the sickest riffs ever without batting an eyelash while my body resounded with the beats of the drums.

There was a time when I took comfort in the dark and welcomed the transition from the morning to the night, while the dying of the day brought me solace as I watched the shadows creep from the cracks and corners of their secret hiding places. There was a time when I held no fear for the dark despite the night terrors that haunted me in my dreams, and I welcomed the cold, vast space of an empty bed that I would have to warm myself. 

There was a time before yours when I could be heartless and cruel. A time when I learned not to care. Because caring hurts and it was better to feel the cold desolation of being alone than allow someone to hurt me in way I could never imagine.

I had a life before I crashed into you and plummeted head first into the endless spiral of self-destruction. I had a pretty decent life before I met you and tasted the sugar-coated acrid flavor of Love.

Meeting you has changed all that. 

I no longer swim with the freshness of words, taking joy as they flow through my tongue and escape from my lips. Instead, I find myself at a loss of words. Grasping at the illusion of articulating anything halfway coherent or even halfway close to what I want to tell you. Words have been reduced to feeble vehicles to convey something incomprehensible as I try to express how I feel about you and I find it frustrating that my loose lips are caught at a standstill when I think of you and what I want to say while my heart flutters in tiny little beats replacing my music with a haunting and a dull ache while the words of Jukebox the Ghost or Noah and the Whale haunt me.

I feel the sadness as every day ends. I find the end of every day more and more daunting. The need to reach out to you is nearly impossible to fight. My confidence fails me in the dark. I need to feel your fingers intertwined in mine and your soft breaths tickling the hairs of my nape. The need to feel your warmth next to me feels like a physiologic pull and as I crawl into your welcoming arms allowing the world to slowly melt away knowing I am safe with you and in your arms, I drift off into peaceful sleep, the first time it has ever happened to me.

It always feels like you brought me sunshine. You came into my life with your warmth and your smile and that damn laugh of yours that is just so fucking contagious. I tried to keep you at bay. I knew I wasn’t good for you. I’m not good for anyone actually. But I was always drawn back to you, curiosity always getting the better of me, corrupting my thoughts and my will with “what-ifs”. I was always drawn back to you and that Goddamn smile you always had, saved especially for me.

I was pulled by the lull of the words that escaped your mouth and the ideas that were born from your mind. I was dragged into the creamy richness of your voice and you gave me poetry and music when I thought I had lost them.  

You are a fucking mind reader, I swear to God.  You always know what I’m thinking and what I want and it surprises me more than half the time that you know me so well. You know just when to run your hands through my hair, or when to take my hands to your lips to give them a quick kiss, or when you wake up in the middle of the night to kiss my forehead before you fall back to sleep probably not knowing I’m up. 

You, Elmer, are fucking perfect. I love you so much and sometimes it scares me knowing I have so much love to give you I don’t know what to do with it.

3 years is just the beginning. Happy Anniversary Sweetie! I’ll see you soon.

sincerely, trish

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27 responses to “CAUSE GOD IT JUST FEELS SO GOOD

    • Aww. thank you so much. 🙂 it’s weird having to spend this much time away when we have not been a day apart before I came to Cebu. I thank God everyday for Skype. 🙂

      • ohwow. England. Does he haff an accent yet? 🙂 IDK. I never thought I’d have to settle for a LDR, because I never wanted one. but things have obviously changed. Goodluck to you and your man. 🙂 I don’t know what i’d do if I was faced with the prospect of Elmer being countries away. It’s scary. But inevitable, because he’s leaving for the States after he gets his training. SOYEAH. I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO. hahaha! ugh.

      • He’s English so he definitely has the accent. One of the things that makes me so kilig growing up reading historical romances and all. Hahahaha :))) Ok lang, you will survive it. 😉 Trust him lang. 🙂

      • OHWOW. He’s English! Boys with accents!!! hahahha!! 🙂 Thanks. That’s just it. Trust. hahahaha! 🙂 ohwell. we’ll cross that bridge when we get there and hope it holds. 🙂

      • AHAHAHAHAHHHA Exactly! It’s like my dream come true. English accent + tall + dark hair + handsome + the title of “Lord” bought from ebay = Romance novel dream come true! hahahahaha Good luck to you guys! 😉 If you really want it, then you will find ways to make sure that it lasts 🙂

      • haha. you are so lucky! 🙂 So has he come over or have you been over? He sounds like the kind of guy who could make you melt just by saying something random. hahaha! 🙂 i will make sure it lasts by making sure he leaves with a ring on his finger. HAHAHA. 🙂 He is very lucky to have you though! 🙂

      • AHAHAHHAHHAHA wow ring on his finger na agad??? WOW!!! Hahahaha Good luck! 😀 😀 I hope he’s not the type to be iffy about marriage! 😀 Not yet but he’s saving up to come this year. Keeping my fingers crossed that he does come this year or at the most early next year 😛 Hmm.. now I’m wondering about what to do to get that ring myself 😀

      • Hahaha! how long have you guys been? 🙂 Well, Elmer talks about marriage a lot. he suggested that before he leaves we go civil first. 🙂 This all came form him. which is good. 🙂 It surprises me how sure he is about this, but then again, I surprise myself by how sure I also want it. hahaha. 🙂 Wow, I’m excited for you. hahaha. It should be fun. It’ll be great!! haha! yikes. i am so psyched for you! 🙂 🙂 🙂

      • We talk about marriage too but nothing too certain and formal 😛 But he refers to me as his “missus” when he talks to his dad so I guess that’s sort of like it 😀 Haha We’ve been together for two years now 🙂 I’ll wait for a wedding day post then 😉 Wooohoo!!! Congrats in advance!

      • haha. thanks. but we’re still so far from that. I have 10 years of schooling to go and he has God know how much more years for whatever else he needs before he leaves. 🙂 ohmy. your guy is such a cute. hahaha. 🙂 is he your age? 🙂 2 years is such a long time already. I really cant wait to read up on his arrival in your blog. hahaha! :))

      • He’s about to turn 25. I’m turning 23 this year so 2 years difference 😀 Hahaha I can’t wait to write about it too! I think I’ll take a break from blogging when he’s here just so I can spend all my time with him hahah 😀

      • You definitely should. I mean, you guys should spend all the time you have together! Sexy time. whoo! 🙂 I think it would be even more surprising if you were blogging while he was here. 🙂 Ah, so he’s relatively our age. 🙂 hahaha. Nice.

      • hahahaha. 🙂 Yeah. Weeks. and Weeks. and Weeks. 🙂 I really am so excited for you. I mean, this is the climax to the wait. 🙂 and I’m sure he’s just as excited as you are. 🙂

      • aww. your boyfie is such a cute. hahaha. thats sweet of him. and 2 years is such a very long time. 🙂 I will look forward to your post on his arrival. 🙂 I’m sure you guys will have a blast. then maybe a congratulations on a marriage proposal will be in order? 🙂 haha. well, I still have 10 years of medicine and he has God knows how many more years of training and whatever before he leaves. 🙂 hahaha. but if we go civil, then definitely. hahaha. i will keep my fingers crossed for the both of us. haha 🙂 I feel so old.

      • I just turned 22. But I feel soo old. 😦 hahaha! And it doesn’t help that I sound like a 5 year old because my voice never made it to puberty. hahaha!

      • hahaha. One time, the vacant lot beside our house in Zamboanga was on fire . I called the Fire department and they thought It was a prank phone call. they didnt take me seriously and kept asking where my mommy was. 😦 It was so frustrating. hahaha! Im about your age. 🙂 I turned 22 last December. 🙂 I feel so old because when I look at kids, they look so young and I was that age before. hahaha. and growing up is so scary. like, what happens next? what do i do now? IDK. haha. the prospect of growing up just scares me to death. 😀 My boyfriend cannot take me seriously because of my voice, more so when Im mad because then it raises a few octaves and becomes incomprehensible and shrill. like the mice in Cinderella. hahaha

      • HAHAHAHAHA Thats sooo funny!!! :))) And yeah, I can understand how it can also be frustrating :))) Well, I guess when you grow up, you’re still you. You just look different and more responsibilities i guess 😀

      • the “more responsibilities” part is what’s scary. hahaha! YES! I mean, it was funny how they rarely get a go at saving people and they don’t take the calls seriously enough to verify! hahaha! 🙂 Zamboanga. Good times. Good times. hahaha

    • aww. thanks so much. 🙂 hahaha. i feel bad this is all i could say to him on our 3rd anniversary. Was hoping for so much more but the words wouldn’t come out. haha

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