What If Philosophers Talked Like Total Bros

Thought Catalog

Socrates: “I’m gay.”

Plato: “I wrote down what my boss said but it might just be what I said.”

Aristotle: “I’m so old-fashioned. Fuck!”

Seneca: “It will be okay, I think, or maybe not.”

Augustine: “I’m Christian, but I am a serious philosopher.”

Aquinas: “Me too!”

Machiavelli: “I’m the dude who is the favorite philosopher of every dumb bro.”

Descartes: “I think therefore…..whatever.”

Pascal: “I believe in God because I don’t want to go to hell.”

Spinoza: “We need to start pissing people off.”

Locke: “I’m a racist.”

Hobbes: “I’m a douche.”

Rousseau: “I want to go on a walk.”

Voltaire: “Shit sucks.”

Hume: “I will explain nothing but you will learn everything.”

Kant: “I will explain everything but you will learn nothing.”

Adam Smith: “I love money!”

Mill/Bentham: “Sex is good; so is reading a book.”

Schopenhauer: “I hate life, I think. Maybe not.”

Hegel: “I am going to…

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