What If Philosophers Talked Like Total Bros

Thought Catalog

Socrates: “I’m gay.”

Plato: “I wrote down what my boss said but it might just be what I said.”

Aristotle: “I’m so old-fashioned. Fuck!”

Seneca: “It will be okay, I think, or maybe not.”

Augustine: “I’m Christian, but I am a serious philosopher.”

Aquinas: “Me too!”

Machiavelli: “I’m the dude who is the favorite philosopher of every dumb bro.”

Descartes: “I think therefore…..whatever.”

Pascal: “I believe in God because I don’t want to go to hell.”

Spinoza: “We need to start pissing people off.”

Locke: “I’m a racist.”

Hobbes: “I’m a douche.”

Rousseau: “I want to go on a walk.”

Voltaire: “Shit sucks.”

Hume: “I will explain nothing but you will learn everything.”

Kant: “I will explain everything but you will learn nothing.”

Adam Smith: “I love money!”

Mill/Bentham: “Sex is good; so is reading a book.”

Schopenhauer: “I hate life, I think. Maybe not.”

Hegel: “I am going to…

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Comparing Guys In Terms Of Chocolate

Thought Catalog

Milk Chocolate

This is the blonde hair, blue eyes, high school quarterback kind of guy. Milk chocolate is undeniably the most popular type of chocolate out there. We all think of the classic Hershey’s bar when craving milk chocolate. This guy is the one every girl wants to date and drools over. They wish he would just pick her to stumble upon and ask her to prom. If you’ve ever seen “She’s All That,” milk chocolate is Freddie Prinze Jr.—the most popular guy in school who we can’t stop staring at. We never break apart just one square of Hershey’s milk chocolate, cause we are left always coming back for more. We all want some of that milky perfection to stroke our lips and never leave.

Dark Chocolate

Dark chocolate is the guy that mom and dad want you to date. According to just about a million different studies, dark…

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16 Things You Should Stop Doing To Yourself

Thought Catalog

1. Punishing yourself every time you deviate from a diet. As a smart man on my Twitter feed once said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Seriously, skinny feels are fucking delicious.” Have a sense of humor about getting down like Roseanne Barr on a food bender and do better tomorrow.

2. Dwelling on the past. Nothing is ever actually as good or bad as you remember it being. Come back to the future, Marty McFly. We have hi-speed internet here.

3. Hate-reading. Life is short. Read things you actually enjoy.

4. Stalking your ex’s Facebook profile. He will never appear as sad and desperate as he feels inside, K? Besides, this is a waste of your insanity. Go make a painting or cut your ear off. Hell, do both — that’ll show him what he’s missing out on!

5. Making plans you have no intention of keeping. Just…

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I Like Your Flaws

this. is just so beautiful

Thought Catalog

I like how you mispronounce words sometimes, how you fumble and stammer and stutter looking for the right ones to say and the right ways to say them. I appreciate that you find language challenging, because it is, because everything manmade is challenging. Including man, including you.

When you sleep on your side, I like to map the constellations between your beauty marks freckles pimples, the minuscule mountains that sprinkle your back. I like the tufts of hair you forgot to shave and the way you smell when you haven’t showered in a while; I like the sleep left in your eyes.

I like the way your skin dies in the middle of the night, how you die from embarrassment the next morning; how you writhe in the snake casing you’ve left behind. I like that you think pillow snowflakes carry more weight than pillow talk; that you think my…

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The 5 Important Milestones In Every Relationship

I think a lot of this is applicable for both Elmer and I. Especially the first two. the “Beb, I fart” is actually really funny, but we never had false pretenses about each other, but we did make extra efforts. Now we both go out looking like bums but feeling great. haha.

Thought Catalog

1. “Beb, I fart”

In the beginning of every relationship, you essentially try to be the best version of yourself. You pretend you dress to the nines every single day (“Oh, this little number? I just threw it together in five….hours”), do fun-filled activities, and never fart, burp, poop or experience any other human action that could be perceived as gross. Ugh, it’s so exhausting and one day you will just let the facade slip. One day you will show up to your significant other’s house in a terrible outfit looking like crap and farting all over the place. The day you let your BF/GF see you in an unattractive state is a crucial milestone because it’s basically saying, “Hi! i’m comfortable enough to show you that I’m not a flawless gem. I can look awesome and cute and do all of these great things you will enjoy, but I…

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